Words of wisdom from the Original First Lady, Eve, by way of Mark Twain, from Letters from the Earth.
From "Extract of Eve's Autobiography"
But
studying, learning, inquiring into the cause and nature and purpose of everything
we came across, were passions with us, and this research filled our days with
brilliant and absorbing interest. Adam was by constitution and proclivity a
scientist; I may justly say I was the same, and we loved to call ourselves by
that great name. Each was ambitious to beat the other in scientific discovery,
and this incentive added a spur to our friendly rivalry, and effectively
protected us against falling into idle and unprofitable ways and frivolous
pleasure-seeking.
Our
first memorable scientific discovery was the law that water and like fluids run
downhill, not up. It was Adam that found this out. Days and days he conducted
his experiments secretly, saying nothing to me about it; for he wanted to make
perfectly sure before he spoke. I knew something of prime importance was
disturbing his great intellect, for his repose was troubled and he thrashed
about in his sleep a good deal. But at last he was sure, and then he told me. I
could not believe it, it seemed so strange, so impossible. My astonishment was
his triumph, his reward. He took me from rill to rill -- dozens of them --
saying always, "There -- you see it runs downhill -- in every case it runs
downhill, never up. My theory was right; it is proven, it is established, nothing
can controvert it." And it was a pure delight to see his exultation in
this great discovery.
In
the present day no child wonders to see the water run down and not up, but it was
an amazing thing then, and as hard to believe as any fact I have ever
encountered.
You
see, that simple matter had been under my eyes from the day I was made, but I had
never happened to notice it. It took me some time to accept it and adjust
myself to it, and for a long time I could not see a running stream without
voluntarily or involuntarily taking note of the dip of the surface, half
expecting to see Adam's law violated; but at last I was convinced and remained
so; and from that day forth I should have been startled and perplexed to see a
waterfall going up the wrong way. Knowledge has to be acquired by hard work;
none of it is flung at our heads gratis.
That
law was Adam's first great contribution to science; and for more than two centuries
it went by his name -- Adam's Law of Fluidic Precipitation. Anybody could get on
the soft side of him by dropping a casual compliment or two about it in his
hearing.
He
was a good deal inflated -- I will not try to conceal it -- but not spoiled.
Nothing ever spoiled him, he was so good and dear and right-hearted. He always
put it by with a deprecating gesture, and said it was no great thing, some
other scientist would have discovered it by and by; but all the same, if a
visiting stranger had audience of him and was tactless enough to forget to
mention it, it was noticeable that that stranger was not invited to call again.
After a couple of centuries, the discovery of the law got into dispute, and was
wrangled over by scientific bodies for as much as a century, the credit being
finally given to a more recent person. It was a cruel blow. Adam was never the same
man afterward. He carried that sorrow in his heart for six hundred years, and I
have always believed that it shortened his life. Of course throughout his days
he took precedence of kings and of all the race as First Man, and had the
honors due to that great rank, but these distinctions could not compensate him
for that lamented ravishment, for he was a true scientist and the First; and he
confided to me, more than once, that if he could have kept the glory of
Discoverer of the Law of Fluidic Precipitation he would have been content to
pass as his own son and Second Man. I did what I could to comfort him. I said
that as First Man his fame was secure; and that a time would come when the name
of the pretended discoverer of the law that water runs downhill would fade and
perish and be forgotten in the earth. And I believe that. I have never ceased
to believe it. That day will surely come.
I
scored the next great triumph for science myself: to wit, how the milk gets
into the cow. Both of us had marveled over that mystery a long time. We had
followed the cows around for years -- that is, in the daytime -- but had never
caught them drinking a fluid of that color. And so, at last we said they
undoubtedly procured it at night. Then we took turns and watched them by night.
The result was the same -- the puzzle remained unsolved. These proceedings were
of a sort to be expected in beginners, but one perceives, now, that they were
unscientific. A time came when experience had taught us better methods.
One
night as I lay musing, and looking at the stars, a grand idea flashed through
my head, and I saw my way! My first impulse was to wake Adam and tell him, but
I resisted it and kept my secret. I slept no wink the rest of the night. The moment
the first pale streak of dawn appeared I flitted stealthily away; and deep in
the woods I chose "a small grassy spot and wattled it in, making a secure
pen; then I enclosed a cow in it. I milked her dry, then left her there, a
prisoner. There was nothing there to drink -- she must get milk by her secret
alchemy, or stay dry.
All
day I was in a fidget, and could not talk connectedly I was so preoccupied; but
Adam was busy trying to invent a multiplication table, and did not notice.
Toward sunset he had got as far as 6 times 9 are 27, and while he was drunk
with the joy of his achievement and dead to my presence and all things else, I
stole away to my cow. My hand shook so with excitement and with dread failure
that for some moments I could not get a grip on a teat; then I succeeded, and
the milk came! Two gallons. Two gallons, and nothing to make it out of. I knew
at once the explanation: the milk was not taken in by the mouth, it was
condensed from the atmosphere through the cow's hair. I ran and told Adam, and
his happiness was as great as mine, and his pride in me inexpressible.
Presently
he said, "Do you know, you have not made merely one weighty and far-reaching
contribution to science, but two." And that was true. By a series of experiments
we had long ago arrived at the conclusion that atmospheric air consisted of water
in invisible suspension; also, that the components of water were hydrogen and oxygen,
in the proportion of two parts of the former to one of the latter, and
expressible by the symbol H2O. My discovery revealed the fact that there was
still another ingredient -- milk. We enlarged the symbol to H2O,M.
INTERPOLATED
EXTRACTS FROM "EVE'S DIARY"
Another
discovery. One day I noticed that William McKinley was not looking well. He is
the original first lion, and has been a pet of mine from the beginning. I
examined him, to see what was the matter with him, and found that a cabbage
which he had not chewed, had stuck in his throat. I was unable to pull it out,
so I took the broomstick and rammed it home. This relieved him. In the course
of my labors I had made him spread his jaws, so that I could look in, and I
noticed that there was something peculiar
about his teeth. I now subjected the teeth to careful and scientific
examination, and the result was a consuming surprise: the lion is not a
vegetarian, he is carnivorous, a flesh-eater! Intended for one, anyway.
I
ran to Adam and told him, but of course he scoffed, saying, "Where would
he find flesh?"
I
had to grant that I didn't know.
